


like the snow melts in warm winters (all of those things became memories now)

by diamondskies



Series: as always, i need you [1]
Category: SHINee
Genre: Death, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 06:44:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13242708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diamondskies/pseuds/diamondskies
Summary: But that’s the thing about healing, isn’t it? You feel on top of the world in one moment and then you can always relapse out of the blue—but it’s okay. It’s okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you’re feeling is not only valid—it’s necessary. It’s part of a progress and progress looks different in everyone. Take all the time you need and I promise flowers will eventually blossom from the scars.All of this, I learned from you.A letter for Kim Jonghyun.





	like the snow melts in warm winters (all of those things became memories now)

 

Thirteen days. Three thousand and twelve hours. Eighteen thousand seven hundred and twenty minutes.

It’s almost been two weeks since you left us.

Sometimes it doesn’t hurt. Sometimes, I’m able to accept that you’re in a better place now, that all your pain is gone and you’ve found the thing you sought the most: peace. Sometimes, I think about how happy you must be, how you’re finally able to rest.

On those days, I can watch your videos with affection and gratefulness swelling in my chest and curling my lips up. I still even swoon at you at times—you were such a charming and beautiful person inside and out, after all. I can browse through your social media and burst out a laugh seeing your amazing sense of humour or your hilarious expressions.

I can see pictures and recordings of the five of you, and smile or hang my mouth in awe. I can tell your tales to the others with enthusiasm buzzing throughout my body, my mouth spilling out rapid-fire words in order to get as much stories in, and my grin almost splitting my face in two. My friends often take note of how fond my voice sounds and how bright I am. It almost feels like the old times.

But on other times, it does hurt. It hurts and aches so deeply; a large tear not yet stitched properly being ripped open again, the threads left dangling.

On those days, I remember how you chose to go, and I’m thrown into that very day; when the news was delivered to me during dinner and suddenly the food in front of me looked so sickening and I went to the bathroom as quickly as possible lest I throw up on the dining room floor. I remember your final letter, your last cry of help, and how you had planned it all for a long while; and I return to the second day, when finally my tears could fall and I cry and cry and cry but the grief didn’t lessen and instead it coiled even tighter around my lungs until I almost forgot how to breathe.

On those days, I desperately wish for a replay, clinging into the hope that if I was given the chance to turn back time, I would have been able to bend fate, somehow. I escape into the realm of fantasy and what-ifs, since they’ve become my sanctuary from the unforgiving reality. On those days, writing about you in past tense feels so wrong.

On those days, my body feels numb except for my throat which I strain so I won’t break down in the middle of the crowds because my head is too full with thoughts of you. On those days, I can’t even look at your pictures without my lips shaking, can’t bear to see the five of you without thinking of the empty space in the middle, so I turn off my phone and bury my face into the pillow. Suffocation doesn’t matter—breathing feels heavy, anyway.

On those days, happiness seems like a pipe dream, for the pain has dug its roots far too deep. It’s too much to the point that I think it will be better if I had chosen to keep jumping from the balcony back in February, or it will be better for me to fade away. Dangerous thoughts such as, _if him—who I always view as someone much stronger than me—chose this path, then what will become of me in the future?_ bubble in my head until I pick up my phone with shaking hands and dialled the friends I trust to beg at them, _I’m really sorry for keep calling you but please please please help me drown out these thoughts I’m afraid I’ll do something reckless please I’m sorry._

But that’s the thing about healing, isn’t it? You feel on top of the world in one moment and then you can always relapse out of the blue—but it’s okay. It’s okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you’re feeling is not only valid—it’s necessary. It’s part of a progress and progress looks different in everyone. Take all the time you need and I promise flowers will eventually blossom from the scars.

All of this, I learned from you, who are up there now. You’ve taught me so many things, healed me so many times, and inspire me relentlessly. And those are how I shall remember you.

I shall remember you as the man with heavenly voice who motivates me to train and train and train my singing until I can reach the notes that you hit, until I don’t despise the sound of my own voice; because I want to be able to sing the songs that you sang so passionately.

I shall remember you as the man who could carve beautiful words with both of his hands, who makes me genuinely proud to write with my left hand. It’s silly, but the similarity always made me feel that the distance between us might not be that far.

I shall remember you as the man who openly supported queer Kang Eunha and made me choke up because that was the moment I started to accept myself now that I knew someone—one of the people I look up to the most, even—would accept me in their open arms.

I shall remember you as the man who treasured books and the sound of flipping pages; you were the very reason I decided to look into Haruki Murakami’s works and you’re the one last push I need to save up for _The Black Cat_ , _Crime and Punishment_ , and _The Interpretation of Dreams_.

I shall remember you as the man who wasn’t deterred by social issues and instead looked into them thoroughly. The man who stood up for the weak and marginalized, who wasn’t afraid to use his standing to speak up for them, amplifying their voices while remaining respectful. The man who said that every voices and opinions are equally important; the very words that I have chosen to live by. You're the reason behind my love for articles discussing social issues and civil discussion about them. You were the one who lit up the fuse that is my courage to stand up for the minorities without caring of the sneers thrown at my direction. You're why I stopped biting my tongue and started articulating what I believe in.

I shall remember you as the man who teaches me the importance of empathy and that expressing it correctly is as essential as feeling it. You teach me to pick my words carefully, for more often they are a double-edged swords than not. You teach me to look beneath the surface, because the most important things are the ones eyes can’t see. You teach me to open my ears and heart, to be a shore for those who need it. You teach me to acknowledge over understand.

I shall remember you as the man who I see so much of myself in, who helped construct the compass that led me towards my identity when I was lost in the forest of adolescence. Because of you, I understood myself better, could sort out the scattered thoughts to create something coherent and see meanings and reasons behind the maelstrom of emotions in my chest.

I shall remember you as a man who wrote a book about healing—a book that heals. The very book that drives me to properly craft my own stories so the world can read it someday, the very book which beautiful words that wrap its utter rawness make it easier for me to breathe. _You_ always make it easier for me to breathe through your words, songs, smile, or simply your presence.

I shall remember you as the man who was made for music, a man who loved with his entire heart, a man who lived genuinely and courageously. I shall remember you as the man made of gold who has saved many. You are so much more than mere words could contain, so much more than I can possibly know and describe, yet for everything you’ve given and shared with us—I am grateful.

Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for letting me discover you. Thank you for giving me the chance to love you. Thank you.

The years are going to be lonely now that you’re not here. But I’ll carry you everywhere I go, so that everyone can see your influence in my works, so that my achievements will become yours too—and for that, I’ll work harder to surpass the best I possibly can. I’ll keep your spirit alive in this world through me.

See how much positive impacts you’ve brought on me? I’m also sure there are millions out there who feel the same way. 수고했어요, 정말 고생했어요.

The fireworks look so pretty tonight. There are some that’s pearl aqua in colour. They remind me of you every time they bloom and light up the dark sky. I hope you’re spectating this or an even grander view up there.

Happy New Year, Jonghyun. Until we meet again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> written from 10 o'clock on december 31st, as i waited for the countdown at the city hall.
> 
> writing this made it easier for me to breathe, and i hope it could also help you in any way or form.
> 
> it's gonna be tough, going on without him. but please remember that you're not alone, that we're in this together. don't hesitate to reach out to someone you trust. please be gentle to yourself and it's perfectly okay to put yourself first. like jinki said, someone love you more than you love yourself and i will cheer you on. i love you.
> 
> by the way, jjong sure is having a blast with the universe remote control up there, isn't he?


End file.
